I’ve Got A Mountain Of Amiibo And I Have No Idea What Most Of Them Do

I love collecting things, I’m one of those people. I’ve got a wall of Final Fantasy action figures, a giant Majora’s Mask statue, and more physical copies of games than I can count because I loathe buying anything digital. It’s silly, I know, I get it, but to each their own, yeah? You spend your money on sensible things, and I spend mine on turning my house into a hellish vision of Toys-R-Us. Anyway, that brings me to my dilemma. I really dig Nintendo goodies, like, a lot a lot. I grew up with a lot of those series, so when Nintendo announced it was making the equivalent of an overpriced gaming Happy Meal toy, I was over the moon. Now I’ve almost got 200 amiibo, and I don’t even know what most of these damn things do.

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It hit me that I was creating a bit of a problem the other night. You see, I recently moved, and my house is a disaster. I’ve been up every night for a month now trying to sort it, but I’ve got too much garbage. So, dear reader, there I sat at 3 am, hunched over a box with my hair in a ratty bun, days-old makeup smudged all over my face as I carefully pulled out 100-something amiibo and lined them up to take inventory. My partner came to see why I still wasn’t in bed asleep, and just whispers, “What on earth?” I reckon that was the same reaction our movers had, too, when they brought in individual boxes labeled kitchen stuff, clothes, pet supplies, and amiibo.

But it was then I realized the hilarity of it all. I started collecting amiibo back when the toy line first launched, and I was convinced I’d use every single one of these little things. In fairness, I did use them in Breath of the Wild and Animal Crossing, but I haven’t even bought some of the games I own amiibo for. And even if I did already own the actual game, I don’t know which freakin’ amiibo works with what. Like, I have a Wii Fit Trainer amiibo. What is she for? Is she there for Smash? What if I just go ram her into my Switch over and over for all of my games, what treasures will I find?

I guess the thing is, it seems a bit silly Nintendo can get me to buy a $15 poorly-detailed piece of plastic with the promise of an in-game costume I’ll never redeem anyway. I’m sure some of them have cool functionality (they do, right?), but hell if I know what any of that is. And honestly, I’m not even complaining, I swear, I love collecting these worthless toys. They bring me a lot of joy, and my darkest secret is that I’ve waited in-line for these things outside of retail stores before. I just…don’t know what they do.

And that’s not stopping me from gathering more, either. I’ve pre-ordered that Skyward Sword Zelda amiibo, and I know what that one does – which is awful, by the way, include fast travel in the game without the need for this. All of the Monster Hunter amiibo are in route to me now as you read this, but I haven’t bought the game yet. Y’all, I don’t know anymore, I just think the things are neat and they make me happy. I hate that Nintendo is packaging some important stuff behind this crappy hunks of plastic, and I’m sorry I keep buying them, but I can’t wait to add my little Palamute to the unhinged line I have created of these things in my living room.

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Andrea Shearon is a news editor at TheGamer who loves RPGs and anything horror related. Find her on Twitter via @Maajora.

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